Shelley and Deb: For the most part, yes, kids should get to wear what they want if it's appropriate, and we have to learn to let go some and let them. This will prevent many battles from even getting started. Kids need some independence at this age when they are starting to care, and care deeply, about how they look.
But the big question is, how to decide what is appropriate to wear? Barbara Coloroso, author of KIDS ARE WORTH IT!, has a great system for determining when to say yes or no to almost any request with the ultimate goal being helping kids learn to think and decide for themselves. If you find yourself in a situation in which you need to decide about giving permission or not, ask yourself if the consequences of the situation are life threatening, morally threatening, or unhealthy, and if your child can learn from the experience.
Make sure that you and your child understand and follow the dress code at your school. Then, if the clothes that your child asks to wear are not morally wrong, won't lead to life-threatening situations, and are not in any way unhealthy, say yes. Your child will learn a lot from the experience of thinking and choosing for herself. On the other hand, if clothing choices do threaten values or health, or invite danger, then say no and stick to it, but don't expect your child to like it. In either case, talk with your child about what these things mean, and whether or not the clothes she is choosing really add to the way she wants to present herself to the world or not.
FamilyFun: With growing independence, kids also start choosing their own friends. How can parents help adolescent children make good choices without interfering too much?
Shelley and Deb: The bottom line is to teach kids early what making good choices in friends means, to stay involved in your child's life, and then to step back and allow them to manage their friendships as long as they are not heading for trouble.
Making friends is one of the most important jobs of this stage of life, so the skills you help kids learn now will help them connect with people throughout their lives. Talk about what is a good friend and what isn't. Stay involved by getting to know your kids' friends and the families. Have them invite their friends over. Offer to drive to activities sometimes--it's amazing what you can learn about kids when driving them around. Then, show that you trust their judgement by letting them make their own choices, as long as those choices don't appear to be heading for trouble.
Signs of trouble in a friendship can be many, but a friend who operates outside the rules, takes advantage of or who invites your child into dangerous situations are some. If you see any signs, then don't be afraid to intervene, step in with limits, and set consequences. For example, if you know a friend drinks or has access to a gun, then consider setting the limit that your child may only see this friend at your house or when a responsible adult is present.
FamilyFun: What about when your child has problems on the bus or the playground--getting teased or picked on, or even bullied? What are the best ways to handle these situations?
Shelley and Deb: Take it seriously and intervene. This is a common and serious problem. In some of the tragic school shootings, there were signs pointing to a pattern of trouble that lasted for years, went without intervention, and often involved bullying somewhere along the way.
Teach all kids ways to assert themselves and to peacefully resolve conflicts without using fists or name-calling as one proactive way to stop bullying before it starts. Make sure your child knows that he can always ask for adult help from the bus driver, teachers, lunch helpers, principal or other adults at school, or stay near them to ward off trouble.
Once a pattern of bullying does start, kids usually can't stop it alone. You will need to take action and involve school staff--the sooner the better. Ask them about how they typically handle bullying. Then make a plan to stop it that includes help from an adult. Be sure your child is getting the help he needs from the adults--don't assume he is. If he is not seeing some resolution, ask the principal to get involved and let him or her know that you expect your child to receive adequate help in resolving the problem. Follow up until you are sure the bullying has stopped.
FamilyFun: Kids nowadays face a wide array of choices for extracurricular activities. What suggestions do you have for encouraging special interests and talents without over-scheduling--which can cause anxiety and even depression.
Shelley and Deb: Set priorities and make conscious choices--it's that simple. Even though this time of a child's life should be one to experiment with different activities and to try new things, there are too many activities available to most kids these days to try them all. Sit down with your child and first, figure out how much time is available and workable for extra activities beyond school, chores, homework, and family time. Then, help her make choices that allow her top priorities to be honored. Life gets complicated, so it's really important to coordinate all these things with everyone involved, especially if you are divorced or separated and your child is part of two households.
