1. INSTRUCT IN SMALL DOSES. Use a step-by-step fashion. For telephone etiquette, for instance, begin instruction with "hellos" and "good-byes," then teach asking the caller to "please wait a minute while I get my dad." Lastly, guide children to take messages. For table manners, work on one or two at a time.
2. USE A VARIETY OF APPROACHES FOR MANNERS INSTRUCTION. Show your child how to put his napkin on his lap by doing it for him. Try giving a one-word reminder--"napkin" is all you need to say. Try offering a non-verbal cue by just pointing to the napkin.
3. STAY CONSISTENT. Every time your son comes to the table with a baseball cap on, for instance, ask him politely to remove it by saying, "No hats at the table, please."
4. MODEL THE MANNERS YOU INSIST YOUR CHILD EXHIBIT. You can even point them out to your children. "Nancy sent flowers when Grandpa died. It's polite for me to write this thank-you note." Conversely, if you talk when your mouth is full of food, the likelihood is great your kids will do the same.
5. TELL YOUR CHILDREN WHAT YOU EXPECT. On your way to Grandma's for a holiday meal explain, "If Grandma serves a dish you don't want to eat, I expect you to just pass it or say, 'No, thank you. I don't care for sweet potatoes, Grandma.'"
6. COMPLIMENT YOUR CHILDREN when they spontaneously use words expressing consideration. Do it this way: "I heard you thank Mr. Toschi for letting you swim at his house. That was thoughtful and polite."
7. DON'T EXPECT PERFECTION. If you're a perfectionist in the courtesy category, you might be setting yourself up for a manners war. If one starts to brew, back off. Remain a good model, but realize if you get into a manners tug-of-war, you'll lose. Ultimately your child holds the controls.
8. DON'T EMBARRASS YOUR CHILD. If your child is talking while chewing, it's okay to ask him to swallow first and then talk, but it's not okay to do this when your teenage son's girlfriend is dining with the family for the first time.
9. EXPLAIN TO YOUR children that rules of etiquette are important not simply as codes to live by, but as acts of kindness and consideration for others.
