If you're not sure whether the teacher celebrates Christmas, Kwanzaa, Hanukkah or maybe even something else, a "winter holiday" present might be the right approach. There is also a growing awareness that many families simply can't afford to give or participate in a gift, and teachers are told not to open gifts in front of other children.
The message: Gifts are always appreciated, but never expected.
Across the board, from the elite Sidwell Friends School in Washington, D.C., which Chelsea Clinton attended, to New York's financially-strapped inner-city schools, the bottom line is the same:
"Kid-made gifts or gifts that benefit the entire class, such as a set of books or piece of equipment, are best," says Clement Seldin, Ph.D., associate professor of education at the University of Massachusetts, "and the child has to play a role, otherwise it's meaningless, and the parent is just trying to impress the teacher."
A SIMPLE THANK YOU IS ENOUGH
Expensive personal gifts, like jewelry, are generally discouraged, by common sense if not by law. They tend to seem too much like bribery and make teachers feel uncomfortable. Public school teachers, after all, are public servants, and some school districts advise them to return gifts over a certain amount: usually about $50.
Parents should avoid any appearance that the gift is a "payment for services rendered," says Sue Bredekamp, director of professional services for the National Association for the Education of Young Children in Washington, D.C.
"It certainly doesn't look right, and it sends a bad signal," says Mark Davies, executive director of New York City's Conflicts of Interest Board. "Even if the kid really is doing well in class, there may still be a perception that the teacher is favoring that kid because of the gift, and that's bad."
Instead of $100 earrings--no matter how well-intentioned--Davies suggests spending the same amount of money on a gift for the class, like a set of books. "Why not ask the teacher what it is that the classroom really needs?" he says.
Any gift should be accompanied by a personal note of thanks from you and your child. Such a note can also take the place of a gift. Many teachers say they treasure the notes far more than another box of scented soap.
What do you if you're asked to contribute to a group gift you consider inappropriate or too pricey? "Just say, 'Thanks, but we're going to do our own thing this year,'" says etiquette expert Letitia Baldrige. "Gifts should be from the heart."
