Setting Limits Builds Self-Esteem

Jane's two children jumped on the host's sofa, snatched toys from other children and crowded to the front of the buffet. Jane stood by horrified, not knowing if she should leave, ignore their antics or plead with them to behave better.

More than anything Jane wants her children to have good self-esteem. She compliments them and praises them but when they misbehave, she's reluctant to say "no" and stick with it. By standing firm, she fears she'll damage her children's self-esteem. She secretly hopes that in time they'll learn appropriate behavior without much guidance, coaching or reprimands from her.

While tongue lashings, deprecating remarks and harsh physical treatment do harm children's view of themselves, reasonable limits appropriate to a child's age and development actually build self-esteem. When a child knows how to manage himself in a variety of environments, he feels competent and qualified to move successfully through his day.

Jane needs to understand that by guiding her children firmly but respectfully to appropriate behavior, she proves her love. Jane, and you, can provide love and limits at the same time by learning to strike the delicate balance between expressing unconditional love, supporting your child's developing skills and expecting acceptable behavior.