Siblings

Siblings are brothers and sisters. Siblings may live together or apart, may come from the same parents or not, may be the same or different genders, may be twins, multiples, or separated in age by many years. All siblings are individual people with unique, distinct personalities who share love and rivalry.

REALISTIC EXPECTATIONS
• Siblings grow and develop at their own rate, each different from the other. Siblings, even twins or multiples can look, act, and behave in different or similar ways, and develop at different rates.

• Siblings tend to get along better when:
-- They each feel they are loved equally.
-- Their parents have a good relationship.
-- They experience a sense of belonging in the family.
-- They each get attention from parent(s).

• Jealousy of a new baby, which is normal, tends to be strongest for siblings who are between eighteen months and three years. Children feel that their family has been invaded and feel a loss of time and attention from parents.

• Just before or after the birth of a new baby is not the best time to make any big changes in children's routines. Switching from a crib to a bed, toilet training, moving, or starting a new school may be overwhelming and difficult for young children while they are adjusting to the major change of a new sibling entering the family.

• Children may not realize that the new baby is going to live with them forever or that their parents are the baby's parents, too.

• Ambivalence toward siblings is typical. It is common for siblings to be fighting one minute and be comforting the next.

• It is common for parents to prefer one sibling over another depending on ages, interests, abilities, and temperament. It is also common for these preferences to change over time as the children grow and change.

• Parents tend to have high expectations, show more affection, and be more strict in their discipline with first-born children.

• Comparing and labeling siblings, favorably or unfavorably, usually causes resentment. Children can sense when they are being compared to a sibling, whether it is openly expressed or not.

• Siblings argue and fight for many reasons:
-- Jealousy (some children feel that their sibling is liked or loved more).
-- Too much togetherness (some children have a lower tolerance for spending lots of time with a sibling).
-- Independence (some younger children argue to prove their independence from older siblings).
-- Possessiveness of things (children want control over their own things and argue or fight when that control is threatened).
-- Temperament (children with differing temperaments may have more trouble getting along together; certain combinations of temperaments may not be a good match).
-- Lacking the skills needed to share, compromise, control impulses, and negotiate.

• Siblings who are punished for actions related to the other sibling may come to resent their sibling and blame the sibling for the punishment.

• The sibling relationship is often the one constant connection that people have in their lives, from the beginning to the end of life. Helping young children foster good, positive sibling relationships can bring about many years of love, support, and belonging.

Excerpted with permission from The Field Guide to Parenting. Copyright © 2000 Chandler House Press. All rights reserved.