Cooperation and Power Struggles

Cooperation is the ability to work together toward a common goal and to solve problems together. It requires a willingness to work things out and comply with necessary plans, rules, and requests. Power struggles happen when parents and children don't agree on the solution, plan, or idea and neither is willing to give up control to cooperate.

REALISTIC EXPECTATIONS
• Young children may not understand the meaning of the word "cooperate" or may have a different idea of what it means.

• If you ask young children to cooperate, be prepared: they may say "no."

• Children will be able to cooperate only with what they are developmentally able to do:
--One-year-olds can follow one simple direction only.
--Two-year-olds can follow two related directions.
-- Three-year-olds can follow three related instructions, or two to three unrelated instructions.

• Young children struggling to learn independence may have more difficulty cooperating.

• Preschoolers explore power: how things work, how things get done, and how they can make something happen. Power struggles happen between children who want something different than parents.

• Children may be more likely to cooperate when:
-- Their ideas and opinions are respected.
-- They are given choices.
-- They are allowed to help make decisions.
-- Their good behavior is noticed and appreciated.
-- They are valued as a member of the family.

• Children may be less likely to cooperate, and more likely to engage in a power struggle when:
-- Cooperation is demanded.
-- They are interrupted without warning from an activity they are enjoying.
-- Their routine is changed unexpectedly.
--They hear "no" often from adults.
-- They get their way after arguing about it.
-- A parent or caregiver punishes them harshly or hurts them.
-- They don't know how to do a task or what they are being asked to do.
-- They are asked to cooperate too often. Parents typically ask or command young children hundreds of times in a week.

• Dealing with problems before children lose control over them and teaching children how to release tension may prevent some power struggles and tantrums.

• Children learn cooperation from watching the adults around them who show them what cooperation looks like by doing it themselves.

• Young children have a limited ability to share, cooperate, and control their feelings. They may be able to cooperate one minute but not the next. Introducing children to cooperation early may lessen the number of power struggles.

Excerpted with permission from THE FIELD GUIDE TO PARENTING;. Copyright © 2000 Chandler House Press. All rights reserved.