Abby Hubbard had a problem. The Fairfield, Connecticut 12-year-old was an avid soccer player. Her father, Tom, shared her passion to a fault. Whether he was serving as team coach or just her self-appointed personal trainer, he'd take his place on the sidelines and holler a steady stream of advice, "Raving," his wife, Chris, recalls, "like a lunatic football coach at the Super Bowl." Says Abby, "I pretended he wasn't there."

Then one day Tom found himself coaching with another parent, a man who knew quite a bit about soccer but very little about why kids play it. At the end of the game, the man addressed the team. "You guys are pathetic," he began. "You should be ashamed of yourselves."

"Watching him," Tom says, "I saw myself." That's when Coach Hubbard decided to sit down on the job--literally. He brought a folding chair to the next game and forced himself to stay seated. It's a practice he continues to this day, much to daughter Abby's relief. The chair, in fact, has become a physical reminder of what Tom now believes is the key to successful participation in any youth sport. Fun comes first--and everything else takes a backseat.

Fun comes first. It would seem an easy enough maxim to remember. Sure, we expect that playing sports will teach our children important, even difficult, lessons about winning, losing, and trying our best. But, above all, playing games should be fun. If well-meaning parents like Tom Hubbard have a hard time keeping that in mind, is it any wonder kids like Abby get frustrated?

For a growing number of young athletes, in fact, sports have become anything but enjoyable. According to the National Alliance for Youth Sports, some 70 percent of children in leagues quit organized sports by age 13 and never return. "The number one reason cited is that it stopped being fun," notes Michael Pfahl, executive director of the West Palm Beach, Florida-based National Youth Sports Coaches Association, a division of the alliance.

Considering that some 20 million kids sign up for youth soccer, baseball, football, hockey, and other competitive sports each year, that's a huge measure of disappointment. And it's all the more tragic in light of the benefits that kids can receive from playing sports: enhanced self-esteem, physical fitness, and an understanding of teamwork and fair play. "Anyone who looks at that 70 percent figure should know it's time to rethink the way we deliver sports programs to kids," says Pfahl. "When you lose that high a percentage of your clientele, any business would retool."

The question is, how? How can we make sure the fun--and our kids--stay in the game? Here are some winning strategies recommended by coaches, kids, parents, and even reformed sideline screamers like Tom Hubbard.

KEEPING THE PLAY IN SPORTS
1. Look at sports through your child's eyes. For most children, winning isn't everything. In fact, it's almost nothing. One landmark 1974 study asked kids between the ages of eight and eleven whether they would rather win or play simply for fun. More than 95 percent said they'd rather play for fun. Asked to choose between sitting on the bench with a winning team or playing a lot with one that loses, more than 90 percent opted to play for the loser. "Kids are into sports for the fun, the excitement, the participation, being with friends, and learning new skills," says Pfahl. "They're in it for the process."

That's why sports psychology expert Rick Wolff, author of GOOD SPORTS (Sagamore), urges parents of kids ages five to twelve not to worry if their child hasn't mastered the drag bunt, the corner kick, or any other specific skill. "Those are unimportant," he says. "The key here is having your child develop a sense of passion for the sport."

For kids under age nine, even scores can be meaningless. George Graham, a Virginia Tech physical education professor and tee-ball coach, recalls one game when his six- and seven-year-olds were getting routed 20 to 6. "But the scoreboard only went up to 19," he says. "After that it went back to zero. So at the end of the game my kids thought they'd won, 6 to 0. They had no idea."

Some parents and coaches, in fact, recommend keeping score informally or not at all for these youngest of athletes. And after the game, they say, the question to ask is not "Did you win?" but "Did you have fun?" That, they say, is something every kid can answer.

2. Bend the rules to suit the child. Remember when you first played catch with your child, throwing a beanbag or an old tennis ball? You laughed a lot, made sure your child had fun, praised every effort. You adapted the game to your child. You changed the rules, like standing just inches apart in the beginning, so that the game stayed fun. You honored the root definition of competition: to strive together.

This approach to competition can bring remarkable results, as the story of Boonton Township, New Jersey, chess player Dean Ippolito demonstrates. When Dean was just two and a half, his father, Joe, set up some chess pieces on a board in the living room and invited his son to play. Instead of perplexing his preschooler with rules, Joe brought the game down to his son's level. The object, he said, was to see who could pick up the most pieces in one sweeping motion. Through one of those homemade miracles kids never forget, Dean won that first game. And the second. And third. From then on, when Joe came home each afternoon from his job as a schoolteacher, Dean would be waiting with the board he had set up for his dad.

Joe began teaching the standard chess rules. By age 3, Dean had learned them all. By 6, he was beating his father. Today 17-year-old Dean is ranked fifth in the country in his age group--yet says he still plays just for the fun of it.

Team sports can also be tailored to suit young bodies. Larry Moore, for example, a physical education specialist in Lenox, Massachusetts, has first and second graders play soccer five on a side with no goalie. The point is to maximize the goal scoring--and thus the fun. Third and fourth graders play six on a side, rotating different kids in goal, and get one point for completing three passes in a row, two points for a goal.

3. Get involved. It's the sideline screamers of the world who tend to get our attention, but those at the opposite extreme--the parents who take little interest in their children's athletic careers--can also strip sports of their fun. "Kids want that pat on the back," says Moore. "They want to feel proud."

What's needed is the proper level of parental involvement, say coaches. "Look upon the athletic program as you would the academic program your child goes through," suggests Rick Wolff. "If your child was having a problem with math, you would call the teacher for an appointment."

Show the same concern if your kid isn't having fun with a sport, he says. "Watch your child during a practice session," he suggests. As you do, ask yourself: Is the child interacting with his teammates? Is the child paying attention to the coach? Does the coach seem sensitive to the kids, explaining things adequately? Does the child have the skills to perform what the coach is asking for? Is your child having fun? If the answer to any of these is no, you may need to be more involved--talking more with your child, perhaps volunteering with the team, or discussing the situation with the coach.

If you choose the latter, Wolff recommends calling the coach some night at home, rather than approaching him or her on the field or after the game. Try not to be confrontational; instead, ask for help in solving the problem. "Ninety-nine percent of the time the coach will accommodate your child, or at least become more sensitive to the situation," he says.

As for talking with your child about sports, Wolff says it's better to keep your questions focused on your child's experience of the game, rather than offer your own observations, which may be quite at odds with your child's. Wolff recalls one soccer game in which his son, John, then 6, scored a flashy goal. Later Wolff asked his son what he enjoyed most, thinking for sure it would be that goal. Instead John answered that it was a high, puntlike kick he'd made earlier. To a 6-year-old, that was more impressive.

4. Teach sportsmanship. This used to be an easy lesson--parents could simply point to the behavior of professional athletes. These days, they'd do well to point anywhere else. "Good sportsmanship seems to be the latest cultural dinosaur facing extinction," observes Rick Wolff. "Sportsmanship is not something that naturally grows out of playing sports." Rather, it has to be taught and demonstrated.

For many parents, he notes, that can be difficult. "It's very hard for parents to separate their emotions from those of their child. Moms and dads are seeing their own flesh and blood out on the fields of competition. So I tell parents, 'You can scream and yell all you want, as long as it's praise. If you start saying negative stuff, you've lost my sympathy.' Kids pick up on that right away."

While you're passing praise around, send some out to the kid on the other team who makes a nice play, he suggests. And when the game is over, go over and shake the hand of the parents of the opposing team. "It drives home a great message," he says. "We respect all the kids on the field."

In the long run, Wolff notes, it's not natural ability that keeps kids playing and improving. It's the sense of achievement, of "I did this." Such positive feedback may come more quickly to those with talent, but it also comes to the kid who sticks with the game because it's fun. The ranks of professional athletes, Wolff points out, are filled with stars whose skills were only average as kids. "Invariably you can't teach kids to be motivated about sports," he says. "They are motivated because they enjoy it."

Tom Hubbard--from his chair on the sidelines--would surely agree.

HOW TO PLAY WITH KIDS
Kids and parents have been playing sports together probably as long as there have been backyards and Saturdays. But for a truly magical experience--one where parent and child shed their usual roles and the pure fun of the game takes over--author and coach Rick Wolff suggests parents learn to play at their kids' level. Here's how:

Don't be the referee. It will put you above the kids, not bring you closer.

Play at the level of your child. If your child is 10, play with the skill of a 10-year-old.

Don't impose your ideas. Let the kids decide the teams and the rules. Try not to coach. Even well-meaning advice can spoil the fun of playing the game.

THE IMPORTANCE OF MISTAKES
Psychologists say that fear of failure is a major reason children stop enjoying sports. So show them at an early age that it's all right to make mistakes, as they do at Tricks Gym in Folsom, California. When teaching toddlers, instructor Matthew Miscisin begins by asking a parent to walk along a low balance beam. "By the way," he whispers, "fall off when you get near the end." The kids laugh when they see an adult topple over. Miscisin asks, "Is it okay to fall?" Many say "Noooo." Sure it is, he says. "We all make a lot of mistakes. And they're our best teachers." For a while, kids fall like circus clowns. But then they get interested in staying on the beam. At home, try using string on the floor to make a pretend balance beam. Parents go first and get almost to the end when, whoa, uh-oh...

WHAT TO SAY WHEN THEY LOSE
Perhaps no time is more difficult for the parent of a young athlete than after a tough loss. Our first reaction is to reassure, writes author Rick Wolff. "That's fine, but remember that you shouldn't downplay the incident either. Too often a parent will say to the child who has struggled, 'That's okay, honey, the game isn't that big a deal.' Certainly your heart is in the right place. But from the child's point of view that game was a big deal--at least in her young life."

Wolff recommends instead giving your child "the breathing room to experience that sense of frustration. You can hug her, applaud her on her bright moments, and try to keep the conversation on an even keel. Later that night, during a quiet time, you can talk about the moments of frustration from that day's game." The process takes time, he notes, but "learning how to cope with losing is just as important an experience as learning how to cope with winning."

Gurney Williams III is a freelance writer living in Rye, New York.