TEACHING KIDS TO FIT IN |
Every teacher is familiar with the painful dance of the child who doesn't fit in. It may be the third-grader who laughs at the wrong cues, the second-grader who alienates her classmates by constantly bumping into them, or the student who seems oblivious to the teacher's signal to quiet down. Even teachers themselves can be pushed to the limit by this child's persistently odd or inappropriate behavior. While they long for acceptance, these children face repeated rejection. Worse, it often seems that the harder they try to belong, the more painfully out of step they fall. As one second-grade teacher says, "It isn't just that they don't have the right instincts, they seem to have destructive instincts when it comes to social interaction."
"A deficit in social skills can be one of the most painful problems for children and their parents, because it doesn't end at three o'clock," says Marcia Stern, a child psychologist and former teacher who has worked with children and families for more than 20 years. "When you are walking down the street, no one recognizes that you don't know your times tables, but they may be all too aware of inappropriate behavior--if you talk too loudly or stand uncomfortably close to people."
In the last few years, child psychologists and educators have begun to recognize certain kinds of chronic social difficulty as part of a subset of learning disabilities. Frequently, but not always, these difficulties crop up in children who have an attention deficit disorder or another type of learning disability.
Recent studies on these social deficits emphasize the essential role of what they call "nonverbal communication" or "social cueing." Much of the social behavior that adults take for granted--such as awareness of the appropriate distance to keep between oneself and a stranger, or the ability to read someone's stern expression and know that the joke is over--are actually learned nonverbal communication skills.
"It is really another language," says Marshall Duke, a child psychologist at Emory University. "It is parallel to verbal language." And it is a vital part of how we relate to others. Researchers have found that only about 7 percent of our meaning is conveyed through words. The other 92 percent is conveyed through other means such as tone of voice, gesture and facial expression. According to Duke and several of his colleagues, the underlying problem for many kids struggling with social rejection is an uneven to spotty understanding of this nonverbal language.
"It's not a disease," he says. "It's simply a difficulty associated with the absence of learning in particular areas." Duke and others believe that once the area of the nonverbal deficit is clearly identified, the problem can be corrected by remedial work either in school or at home. The key is identifying the particular area of difficulty.
In their books TEACHING YOUR CHILD THE LANGUAGE OF SOCIAL SUCCESS (Peachtree Publishers, 1996) and HELPING THE CHILD WHO DOESN'T FIT IN (Peachtree Publishers, 1992), Duke and his collaborator, psychologist Stephen Nowicki, break down nonverbal language into six different areas: time and rhythm, personal space and distance, gesture, facial expression, voice, and what they call "objectics," which include habits of dress and hygiene.
As we grow up, we are expected to learn how to use these tools to signal out feelings and to understand when others are using them. For instance, a child of eight is expected to have a basic awareness of his or her own body and to respect the personal space of others. But the eight-year-old who constantly knocks into things, stands too close to others or pokes people when a gentle tap is appropriate, hasn't yet learned the unwritten rules that govern space. Once a parent or teacher has a good idea of what the problem is, she can make the child aware of the problem and begin to teach him more appropriate behavior. Most of the time, says author and child psychologist Stanley Greenspan, "it simply comes down to practice, practice, practice."
At the Gateway School for learning disabled children in New York, students learn about the rules of space by crawling through hoops without touching them, or fitting themselves into small spaces. These exercises make them more aware of their bodies and help them to develop more control over their own movements. Duke and Nowicki suggest working with a drawing of a human silhouette to help a child distinguish between friendly contact and what is perceived as invasive or even hostile contact.
Similarly, a child who has difficulty reading and sending appropriate facial expressions may be helped by exercises that require practice interpreting or acting out expressions. "Charades is an excellent game that we don't play much anymore," says Duke, "but it is a great way to practice using and reading facial expressions." In a classroom, he suggests, have children take turns acting out an emotion while the others guess what that emotion is. Or ask the child at home to interpret people's expressions in photographs or on television. Many child psychologists use this method to diagnose difficulties as well as correct them, but parents can do the same.
Duke and Nowicki's books are filled with assessment strategies and exercises that teachers and parents can use to strengthen nonverbal skills. Early drama, dance and music classes often integrate basic exercises to strengthen a child's understanding of rhythm, gestures and facial expressions. Classroom games, such as Passing the Clap, in which children listen to and then imitate the particular rhythm of a clap, or Statues, in which they move to different kinds of music and then freeze when it stops, can also be used by parents to help their child learn about rhythm and timing.
Some problems may be more difficult to isolate from what appears to be a host of troublesome behavior patterns, and it may help to have the advice of a learning disability specialist. But in many instances, communication between a teacher and a parent can be very effective. "Teachers are often the best observers," says Duke, "because they see children for hours interacting with other children."
A teacher who can sensitively address the difficulty with a parent will often find that parent not only receptive, says Stern, but often greatly relieved. Likewise, she says, once children themselves are made aware of their own areas of difficulty, they are usually relieved and truly interested in working on them. "There is nothing worse than not being able to understand what is going on around you," says Dr. Anne Addington, a psychologist who works with learning disabled children. "If you indicate that you want to help that child connect with and understand what's happening in his environment, you can bet they'll be eager to learn."
Elise Pettus is a New York-based freelance writer.
"A deficit in social skills can be one of the most painful problems for children and their parents, because it doesn't end at three o'clock," says Marcia Stern, a child psychologist and former teacher who has worked with children and families for more than 20 years. "When you are walking down the street, no one recognizes that you don't know your times tables, but they may be all too aware of inappropriate behavior--if you talk too loudly or stand uncomfortably close to people."
In the last few years, child psychologists and educators have begun to recognize certain kinds of chronic social difficulty as part of a subset of learning disabilities. Frequently, but not always, these difficulties crop up in children who have an attention deficit disorder or another type of learning disability.
Recent studies on these social deficits emphasize the essential role of what they call "nonverbal communication" or "social cueing." Much of the social behavior that adults take for granted--such as awareness of the appropriate distance to keep between oneself and a stranger, or the ability to read someone's stern expression and know that the joke is over--are actually learned nonverbal communication skills.
"It is really another language," says Marshall Duke, a child psychologist at Emory University. "It is parallel to verbal language." And it is a vital part of how we relate to others. Researchers have found that only about 7 percent of our meaning is conveyed through words. The other 92 percent is conveyed through other means such as tone of voice, gesture and facial expression. According to Duke and several of his colleagues, the underlying problem for many kids struggling with social rejection is an uneven to spotty understanding of this nonverbal language.
"It's not a disease," he says. "It's simply a difficulty associated with the absence of learning in particular areas." Duke and others believe that once the area of the nonverbal deficit is clearly identified, the problem can be corrected by remedial work either in school or at home. The key is identifying the particular area of difficulty.
In their books TEACHING YOUR CHILD THE LANGUAGE OF SOCIAL SUCCESS (Peachtree Publishers, 1996) and HELPING THE CHILD WHO DOESN'T FIT IN (Peachtree Publishers, 1992), Duke and his collaborator, psychologist Stephen Nowicki, break down nonverbal language into six different areas: time and rhythm, personal space and distance, gesture, facial expression, voice, and what they call "objectics," which include habits of dress and hygiene.
As we grow up, we are expected to learn how to use these tools to signal out feelings and to understand when others are using them. For instance, a child of eight is expected to have a basic awareness of his or her own body and to respect the personal space of others. But the eight-year-old who constantly knocks into things, stands too close to others or pokes people when a gentle tap is appropriate, hasn't yet learned the unwritten rules that govern space. Once a parent or teacher has a good idea of what the problem is, she can make the child aware of the problem and begin to teach him more appropriate behavior. Most of the time, says author and child psychologist Stanley Greenspan, "it simply comes down to practice, practice, practice."
At the Gateway School for learning disabled children in New York, students learn about the rules of space by crawling through hoops without touching them, or fitting themselves into small spaces. These exercises make them more aware of their bodies and help them to develop more control over their own movements. Duke and Nowicki suggest working with a drawing of a human silhouette to help a child distinguish between friendly contact and what is perceived as invasive or even hostile contact.
Similarly, a child who has difficulty reading and sending appropriate facial expressions may be helped by exercises that require practice interpreting or acting out expressions. "Charades is an excellent game that we don't play much anymore," says Duke, "but it is a great way to practice using and reading facial expressions." In a classroom, he suggests, have children take turns acting out an emotion while the others guess what that emotion is. Or ask the child at home to interpret people's expressions in photographs or on television. Many child psychologists use this method to diagnose difficulties as well as correct them, but parents can do the same.
Duke and Nowicki's books are filled with assessment strategies and exercises that teachers and parents can use to strengthen nonverbal skills. Early drama, dance and music classes often integrate basic exercises to strengthen a child's understanding of rhythm, gestures and facial expressions. Classroom games, such as Passing the Clap, in which children listen to and then imitate the particular rhythm of a clap, or Statues, in which they move to different kinds of music and then freeze when it stops, can also be used by parents to help their child learn about rhythm and timing.
Some problems may be more difficult to isolate from what appears to be a host of troublesome behavior patterns, and it may help to have the advice of a learning disability specialist. But in many instances, communication between a teacher and a parent can be very effective. "Teachers are often the best observers," says Duke, "because they see children for hours interacting with other children."
A teacher who can sensitively address the difficulty with a parent will often find that parent not only receptive, says Stern, but often greatly relieved. Likewise, she says, once children themselves are made aware of their own areas of difficulty, they are usually relieved and truly interested in working on them. "There is nothing worse than not being able to understand what is going on around you," says Dr. Anne Addington, a psychologist who works with learning disabled children. "If you indicate that you want to help that child connect with and understand what's happening in his environment, you can bet they'll be eager to learn."
Elise Pettus is a New York-based freelance writer.
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