As any parent knows, birthday parties are more than just fun and games. They are one of a child's first introductions to social situations and, as such, raise delicate etiquette issues for kids and parents alike. Here, we've gathered some of parents' most vexing birthday party questions and asked Bertha Day, a world-famous party-thrower and arbiter of all things mannerly, to share her battle-tested wisdom. As you'll see, Bertha offers answers that are humorous, opinionated (even sometimes controversial) and always rivetingly honest. We may not agree with her on every last point, but then she assures us we'll come around eventually.
Should I expect parents to just drop off their child at my five-year-old's party? If they stay, must I feed them?
You will need to be flexible in throwing parties for kids this age; many of them automatically bring a date, namely, their moms. Here's what to do. Call your two best friends and ask them to stay, for you'll need them. They will make coffee and talk to parents who come uninvited. When adults do stay, take it as a sign of goodwill toward your child. Give them jobs and offer to feed them whatever the guests are having. The most polite adults will decline food if it's scarce but will accept cake, sing loudly and help clean up.
Should a child's birthday party be a total surprise?
A child should only be given a surprise party when she really isn't expecting anything for her birthday--which is never. A child who is anticipating at least small gifts or good wishes from her friends at school will have an awful day until the moment the door is thrown open for her surprise. People will be whispering behind her back all day long. They will revel in this ruse, while she slowly withers. Surprise parties really are much better suited to anyone who truly doesn't expect much to be made of the occasion.
Should I invite the entire class to my 11-year-old daughter Anya's party?
I can't think of a whole-class party that did not feel like a three-ring circus. Birthday parties that include 20 guests somehow seem to require high-wire performances, live rock bands, and wild animals leaping out of a cake. While the novelty for Anya would be fascinating, most guests will not even remember why they are there. If you must, one all-class extravaganza in a lifetime would be more than enough. The rest of the time, a small party of five to 12 kids is the perfect way to say "We love you, dear."
What about competitive games at parties? Some kids get so upset when they lose.
Competitive games are enjoyable only for the people who win. If your child really wants to play them, though, try to orchestrate it so that every child wins convincingly at least once. Better yet, plan a few cooperative games, in which the whole gang faces a challenge, such as following a treasure map, then splits the loot evenly.
Should I serve a meal at my 12-year-old daughter Martha's party? If so, what can I feed her friends that's semi-nutritious and will please a crowd?
Older kids actually do eat food, so go ahead. This is a great chance--in fact, possibly your last for years as she enters adolescence--for you and Martha jointly to pick out a meal. When it comes to feeding little children, however, you might as well buy 10 bags of groceries, back up to a Dumpster, and throw them all in. A successful rule in feeding children of any age is to make everything into crudités, finger sandwiches and other miniature versions of the actual size. Hors d'oeuvre is a French word that means "way more likely to get eaten than a ham-and-bean casserole."
Dina's friends' parents have been calling to ask what she wants for her birthday. I don't want to suggest something that's too big for their budget. What should I say?
This is one of the many times to be glad that Dina is a bug collector--or whatever her hobby really is. Name the supplies for which Dina is hoping. If bug supplies come in units of $3 each, perfect. Then the giver can buy multiples up to her total dollar figure. Be sure to say how long Dina's been at her hobby. You don't want anyone buying a 10x magnifying glass for a certified entomologist.
I don't let my boys play with toy guns, but they always get a few from friends each year. This year, may I write on the invitation that we don't accept guns for gifts?
Gifts are entirely up to the discretion of the giver, and there is no polite way I can devise to tell someone what (or what not) to give you. Case in point: The recipient of your invitation might not have been planning to give your son anything at all. Or she may have given him a gun last year and so now would be made to feel like a savage gunrunner. Of course, if you're clever, you can make sure your friends know your house rule by bringing it up in conversation, with no connection to the party. "We've decided not to let the boys play with guns. What are you having for lunch?"
My boys, Billy, seven, and Dwayne, eight, are invited to the same party. Should they each bring a gift?
If Billy is best friends with the birthday child, let him bring the big present--say, the RC Wheelie-O-Maniac. Dwayne can bring a sweet and thoughtful smaller accompaniment, such as a battery pack.
I'm throwing a party for my eight-year-old son, Ray. What's the best way to handle the gift-opening session?
Conventionally, birthday gifts are treated as the highlight of the party, opened when the mood has reached a fever pitch. Revved up on cake and all the excitement, a large group of kids may be hard-pressed to sit through a long gift-opening session. If you throw a smaller affair, though, with just Ray's closest pals, the gifts will be much more interesting for all. Instead of watching him open a bunch of generic gifts, they really will love to see his latest obsession with, say, prehistoric man urged on with toys, books and costumes. Even so, it's a good idea to offer some quiet activity or snack during the gift session should boredom or jealousy strike.
Now, here's what to do if you've already invited 15 guests, not all of whom are close friends. The presents will still be riveting to Ray. Set him up at a little table off to the side, where he can welcome guests and open gifts at the same time. Display the gifts where they can be admired but not played with--for who can share a new present? Meanwhile, have another adult start a low-key activity, such as cave drawing. This method takes the focus off the gifts and places it on the people and the party.
Why do I have to buy such expensive favors? We never used to get favors like the ones they hand out now.
You have found your ally in me. I am distressed at the trend to keep up with the Joneses, who, by the way, at their recent Monet party, handed out berets, poodles and plane tickets to Paris. In choosing party favors, it's better to spend more wits than money. Kids should be given some wonderful little thing that has to do with the party--a gold medal for a sports party or modeling clay for an art party. In every instance, the birthday child should hand out the favors. This will remind her that she is a good person and not just the wild-eyed gift ravager she was a few minutes ago.
What if my nine-year-old daughter, Nora, doesn't like a gift she receives, or has it already? How do I help her to be polite about it and not hurt the giver's feelings?
What you really mean is, "What do I do when Nora says, 'Yuck! I hate this present. This is a baby present,' and tosses the gift in the wrapping heap?" Dear parent, now is your turn to offer the gracious alternative, "I'm sure what you meant was, 'Thank you, Aunt Helen, for such a thoughtful present.'" Look at Nora over your lenses and cop a firm you-get-my-meaning expression.
Now let's talk about what would solve this altogether: namely, a quick briefing on manners, delivered before the party. Remind Nora that gifts contain two things: the actual present and a little bit of love from the gift-giver. You may not be able to see the love, but you certainly don't want to toss it in a heap.
Does my child, Mary, have to write thank-you notes? She thanked everybody while they were at the party.
I have two reactions to this question. The first is that only a piece of cheese would fail to write a thank-you note for a gift. The second is that it is true that thank-you notes have fallen by the wayside in some social circles and now just make everyone feel uncomfortable. For example, your friends don't usually send them out, and now that you have, they feel they must. With a full social calendar, big parties and more than one child, one could be writing thank-you notes half the year. Here is where good judgment comes in: Do what will make the giver feel best while also training Mary that thank-you notes are the rule.
Should I have extra little gifts for the child who ends up in tears?
Do you mean the birthday child? If so, yes. Let him fall into your arms after dinner and tell you all he had hoped would happen but didn't, and then produce a small jar of bubble bath or a delicious new book for bedtime.
If you mean for the guests, then no. Other than party favors, guests must be cheered simply by a hug and kind words from the mother of the birthday child. For a gift in private to a guest falls under the category of bribe, and you will soon be required to bribe everyone to be good.
If you are not feeling kindly toward a little whimpering guest, try to remember what it felt like when your college roommate got a job offer, a letter of acceptance to Yale graduate school and a love letter from a Kennedy in her mail all on the same day, and you got a coupon for 10 percent off a pedicure.
